I told my innermost secret

and she does not remember it...

longing

anywhere

as long as it's not here and not now

a longing demanding my full attention

for me not to dissolve

a longing that slowly

drains my body of energy

and scatter it over an infinity

a longing with no interruption

an endless circlar repetetion

longing to let go

to finally rest

en odentifierbar rastlöshet

som en klåda på insidan av kroppen

ovilja att tänka

rädsla för att stanna upp

om man stannar tvingas man tänka

rädsla att finna hopplöshet

finna uppgiften meningslös

som Sysifos utan sitt berg

om man slutar upphör man att existera

I think of it as a parasite

the unidentifiable restlessness

a scratching on the inside of my chest

a constant picking on my shoulder

demanding

convincing

calm

strong

and safe on the outside

rabies wolves in your mind

you learn to live with it

like a mental tinnitus

jag litar inte på mig själv

jag litar inte på andra

jag vet att de inte har all kunskap

eller hela sanningen

för jag har ljugit

refuse to let go

ignoring the pain

you get use to it

this fucking idiotic stubbornness

straight in to the wall

again and again

like a brooken toy robot

I wanted to be there before I even started

I was not ready

forced myself to continue

because to not follow through is failure

is one ever ready

performance requirement

it's everywhere

swallows me whole

never lose

only second best

totally useless

pathetic

I believe they laugh when I am not there

when it's no longer possible

to runaway from the truth

when you raise your eyes and realize

that you have to get out of that place

or it will destroy you

at the same time

you also realize

that you have no idea of where you are

or how to get out of there

staring at the ground

digesting time in small portions

concentrating

on keeping all my atoms in place

talking and talking and talking

and talking and talking and talking

and talking and talking and talking

pressure increase

shame covers me with its damp blanket

I have taken up too much space

this is my biggest fear

pathetic

foolish

and unraveled

you leave

the most banal question from you

creates a need

for new ground

under my feet

afterwards

picking myself apart into small pieces

difficult to get everything back in palce

a new confrontation

and afterwards

picking myself apart again

smithereens

everywhere small pieces

once again

taking the part of the ugly duckling

like a clumsy pile

of meat and ruffles

with bows in my hair and scarlett red lips

pathetic in my high-heeled shoes

två främmande äckliga köttklumpar

placerade på min bröstkorg

groteska utväxter

aggressiva svulster

som hånar mig

provocerar mig

idag

var likadan som igår

imorgon

kommer att bli likadan som idag

tanken som ett knytnävslag i ansiktet

alla dessa djävla dagar av solsken

då lyckan borde strömma genom kroppen

istället en trögflytande massa

genom mina ådror

smärta över att man inte kan njuta

av den satans solen

uppgivenhet inför allt man inte hann att göra

trots att man gjorde ingenting

frustration inför att den tid

och förbannade energi man lagt ner

inte lett framåt

utan bara lurat en i lust slukande cirklar

djävla

förbannade

skit dagar av vårsol

the same stains and holes in the ceiling

new staines and holes in me

a wish

to sleep away the darkest houers

stop the clocks

sink into the wallpaper

not need to participate for a while

afraid to let go of sorrow

who will one become

afraid of happiness

happiness demands responsibility

it requires an effort to stay there

courage and strength for not to hide away

an attractive force from inside of the mist

longing to go back in

protective

numbing

safe

and

soft like a duvet